canned thoughts

Stan stares blankly at the wall of his room as he hears a familiar voice. He was in a state of ambivalence; he wasn’t sure whether to feel joy or fear.

"Hello? You still there," the voice from his mobile phone asked.

"Yes. It’s been ages since I’ve heard from you. ‘Musta na," he replied with a question.

"Nothing much. I just wanna congratulate you for passing med school. Saw it somewhere in Friendster."

"Well, thanks."

Time stopped as Stan tried desperately to find the right words to say.

"Jean…"

"Yes?"

"I missed you."

Stan felt the old feeling he had for the girl he was talking on the phone. It was the most surreal feeling of passion he experienced for it had bloomed in the most unusual and unexpected circumstances.

He fell in love with his best friend’s girlfriend.

* * * * *

"Dude, believe me, this girl is tha bomb! Fuck, she got the most glorious body I’ve seen. Too bad I got to her first," Chris bragged.

"Shut up and finish your beer," Stan answered.

"But dude, you gotta admit. I know when it comes to women; you’re the go-to guy. You’re the god. But this time, I’m the man!"

"Yeah, yeah. You’re the man this time."

"And dude, I’m telling you. Jean knows how to use her tongue. Fuck, her tongue can do wonders, man."

"And what did you do, inhaled, cursed, and shriveled in ecstasy?"

"Hahahahahah!"

Stan and Chris are friends since they grade school. They treat each other more than brothers. But when it comes to girls, they are rivals. Sharing almost identical taste for women, they collect, select and reject women as fast as consuming their round of beer.

But didn’t they know thing’s would become more personal when Jean came along.

At first glance, Jean fits perfectly as Stan and Chris’ usual fair game. Gorgeous eyes. Delicious lips. Round and firm breasts and ass. Slim figure. Just like those beautiful Japanese and Korean actresses in telenovelas. Lucky for Chris, he met her first. And as a good friend, Stan treated her with utmost respect.

But being a good friend also has its limitations.

* * * * *

"Dude, last night was so fucked-up. I stayed at Jean’s place. And the funny thing was, I fucked her in her room, which was just next to her parents’ and they didn’t found out a thing," Chris elaborated.

"Here we go again," Stan muttered.

"She was screaming my name like hell and she washed her face with my cum and it was so fuckin’ hilarious, Bro."

"Don’t you have anything else to do that screw Jean 27/7."

"Why dude? What’s with the attitude? You and you’re girl having some rough time?"

"Fuck you."

"No dude. You’re the one who needs a great fucking."

"Shut up."

"So did Hazel dumped you again for some Chinese guy?"

"Leave me alone."

"Wanna try Jean?"

"?"

"I know you’d like a piece of that gorgeous meat…"

"You’re just drunk."

"And you’re fuckin’ sexually depraved.."

"…"

"C’mon. I’ll let you have her. Just don’t forget to record everything on cam."

"You’re sick."

"And I can see you’re gonna bite my offer, you horny bastard. Hehehehe. There’s no way in hell I’m gonna let you taste my girl."

* * * * *

Months passed and Chris and Jean’s relationship became no more than a seminal routine. He would always insisted of having sex with her in the most public places in the most untimely hours. He bargained for sex in exchange of his love, making Jean no more than an object of his sexual desire.

"Not here, Chris…"

"C’mon. No one’s looking. Everyone’s busy watching And I’m quite horny, baby."

He started kissing her by the neck, inhaling her sweet perfume while leaving a mark of his own. His tongue send shivers down her core.

"Please, Chris. We’re at the movies. Someone might caught us," Jean pleaded.

"Shhhh…," Chris replied.

His hands started to caress her breasts while nibbling naughtily her ear.

"No, Chris… please."

He started to unbutton her blouse. He cupped her breast and gently pinched her nipple. She gave out a soft moan.

"Ahhhh… no, Chris."

"Shhhh…"

"Ahhhh…"

He lowered his kissed down her breasts. As his hand dug deeper; he raised her skirt and reached for the heaven between her legs.

She was breathing rapidly. He heart was racing. And the sensation between her legs send her into a delirium.

"Ahhhh…"

"Shhhh…, you like this, baby?"

He taunted her in his whispers.

All she could do was answer in her whimpers.

"…"

"I can’t hear you, baby."

"…uhmmm, yeah."

"What, baby?"

"Yes baby. I like it when you touch me down there."

And Chris got away with his carnal act without even remembering a single scene in the movie that they were suppose to be watching.

As his vicious routine went, Chris gradually lost interest over Jean. He started dating other girls, sweet-talking his way inside their skirts. As for her, she didn’t have the slightest idea that he was cheating on her. All she knew and believed in was that she loved him with all her life and that she has given him everything she had.

* * * * *

In a usual Saturday nightout, Stan did something that he never though he could do. He did an unusually noble thing.

"Shiela, this is Stan, my best buddy. Stan, this is Shiela, my girlfriend," Chris gave out introductions to the two.

"Hello," and Shiela kissed Stan on the cheek.

"Hi Shiela. Chris, could I talk to you for a moment," Stan replied.

Far enough from Shiela’s ears, Stan talked to Chris.

"What the fuck was that, Chris?!"

"What’s your problem?"

"Your girlfriend? The last time I checked, Jean was your girl. And now here’s Shiela," Stan asked Chris.

"Fuck, bro. Don’t act as if you don’t know how we do things. You know sooner or later I’m gonna leave that broad. Don’t tell me you didn’t expected me to do that."

"Just like that? The girl loves you so much."

"If you’re too concern with Jean, why don’t you take care of her? Fuck you; I know you have the hots for my girl. Now is your chance. She’s all yours."

And Chris threw to Stan his key to Jean’s flat.

"Oh no, Chris. Don’t be such a jerk."

Chris turned his back to Stan and walked to Shiela.

"Fuck you Chris," Stan shouted.

Chris replied with the finger.

Stan stood alone, confused, while Chris walked away with Shiela, his new fair game. Shiela looked familiar, like someone he dated or fucked in the past. Somewhere in the back of his mind he had already saw her elsewhere. He wasn’t quite sure.

But there were more important things that were swimming in his mind.

In Stan’s hand was a key to Jean’s flat, the only thing that defined and bound Chris and Jean’s relationship. He doesn’t know whether it would be appropriate for him to see Jean, lest appropriate for him to tell her the truth. After all, they are good friends and he also felt guilty on how Chris had treated her. But in the back of his mind, he wasn’t sure whether comforting her was the right thing to do.

He needed to see her to be certain of himself.

* * * * *

In a cloudy afternoon, Stan found out for himself the answers to his questions.

"Jean…"

"Why, Stan? Why did your friend left me?"

"I’m sorry."

"Why Stan? Didn’t I gave everything to him?"

"It’s not like that, believe me."

"Wasn’t I beautiful enough?"

"I’m really sorry, Jean."

"Am I that worthless, Stan? Am I that easy to replace?"

"No Jean."

"Don’t I deserve to be loved?"

"Stop it Jean."

"Does nobody cares for me?"

"…"

"…"

"I do."

All that Stan was hearing were cries of a broken heart, which belongs to someone dear to him. Every sob were daggers that was piercing his soul. And it took one of his tears for him to see clearly, for him to be sure of himself. He realized that he couldn’t stand it anymore. He couldn’t let Jean continue to drown herself in tears for a guy who had never loved her as much as she had loved him. He knows he must do something to save her from all the pain that she’s in. And he knew must be done.

As the rain fell from the sad sky, he turned to her and kissed her with all his heart.

Time stopped as if nothing else mattered. At that very moment, Jean felt that Stan’s kiss was the most blissful thing that happened to her since Chris cheated on her. And Stan felt that he had loved her all these time.

"You sure about this," Stan asked Jean.

"Uhuh."

"Jean…"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

In the solitude of her room, they shared each other’s heart and soul. Every kiss was raindrops falling endlessly from the sky. Every touch was a dance of their spirits. Every moment was memories written in the stars.

It was an experience they have encountered for the first time and yet both felt they had been together for so long. She felt that for the first time in her life, giving her self to a guy made her felt more important that more neglected; more loved than more used; more pure than more corrupted. As for him, he felt that his waiting is over; the person who was destined for him is just right in front of him.

Their kiss ignited their bodies into a sensual frenzy. Their hands caressed each other, touching the right places and sending each other into heaven. He traveled in her body: from her lips, to her ears, nape, neck, to her well-rounded breasts, down to her bellybutton, to her pubic mound and lastly to her womanhood. Every kiss sent jolts of sexual impulses all over her body. Every soft nibble made her gave out glorious moans. And every thrust of his manhood inside her made them feel that they are one, both in body and in spirit.

For hours they both wandered each other’s bodies, shared every moment without anything in mind. In an endless waltz their souls danced to the tune of their heartbeats in one blissful rhythm. Both wished that this moment would last forever.

"Stan…"

"Yes Jean?"

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For everything. Thank you for making me feel that I’m worth something."

"You know I’ve been waiting for this all my life."

"I hope you could still spare your remaining lifetime with me."

"That’s what I intend to do."

"Promise me you would never leave me."

"I promise."

The following weeks were heaven for Stan and Jean. For once, they learned what love truly is. They shared every moment as if it was their last. Life has become blissful for the two. They were like living in a dream so true that they rather not sleep for reality is far better that their own dreams.

If only their love story could have ended on that so-called dream. 

* * * * *

One night, Stan and Jean were supposed to meet for a date. While waiting for her at their meeting place, he saw his former best friend.

"What are you doing here," Stan asked Chris.

"Taking back what is mine," Chris answered.

"What’s yours? What happened to Shiela?"

"It’s none of your damn business."

"This isn’t how it works, Bro. You don’t say you love a girl to get her to bed then leave her afterwards."

"Don’t call me Bro coz you ain’t my brother. Look who’s talking? So you’re the good guy now? Good guys don’t screw their best friends’ girlfriends behind their backs."

"You’ve hurt Jean more than you can do in ten lifetimes. So would you just leave us alone?"

"What made you think you’re better than me?"

"I gave Jean something that you can never give."

"So what’s that, wise guy?"

"I love her. And I respect her."

"You respect her? Doesn’t she know that you have a long-time desire for her," Chris suddenly asked.

"You know that I’ve respected her when you two were still together," Stan answered.

"You did not answer my question, Stan."

"You were the one who mistreated her so don’t accuse me of your own sins!"

"You lusted her way before you learned to love her!"

"You pretended to love her but all you did was fuck her and now you’re gonna do it all over again!"

"Isn’t that what you also intend to do, fuck her to kingdomcome? What made her different from the other girls you fucked before?"   

"She gave me something you can never have."

"You think she loves you? What gave you that delusion?"

"I…"

From nowhere, Jean interrupted them. Both froze while the ghost of their friendship haunted them right their very eyes.

"Stop it! Both of you."

Her right hand flew swiftly and landed hard on Chris’ face.

"I’ve been wanting to do that since the day I’ve found out that you only used me, jerk. I’ve been so dumb to fall for you. I never did anything for you to treat me this way, Chris. And now you’re saying you’re taking me back? What in God’s name made you think you can do that to me? You deserve no one, you filth!"

And her left hand flew right in front of Stan’s face leaving a bright red mark.

"And you, of all people! You’re the one who picked me up when your friend here threw me like garbage. I never expected you to treat me the same way. I thought you were better. I thought you are not like that filth. I even thought you loved me. But I was wrong! I was so damn stupid to fall for the same trick twice!"

She turned her back and ran away from the two guys whom she loved so much but had hurt her in return.

"Jean, wait," Stan shouted as he raced to Jean.

"…"

"Let me explain!"

"…"

"Please, Jean!"

"Leave me alone!"

"Jean!"

"…"

"I love you!!!"

Jean stopped from running and looked behind her. She stared at Stan and let her tears fall. Then she kissed her, just like she meant it. If only their kiss would heal every wound she have and would take all the pain away.

But this time, their kiss was only a kiss, no more, no less.

"Is this what you want," she screamed at him as she pushed herself away from him.

"Please, Jean. You know I’m different from Chris. I never tricked you," he tried to reason out.

"Why you, Stan? I loved you! More than I loved Chris! I gave you the remaining love I was able to muster after what your friend did to me."

"Don’t believe him. He’s just messing with your mind."

"Do you really love me, Stan?"

"You know the answer to that, Jean."

"I’m asking you, damn it! Do you love me?"

"You know I do."

"…"

"…"

"Oh shit, Stan. How could you do this to me! You’re not even sure whether you really love me!"

"I love you, Jean."

"I only asked you once, on the moment that really mattered the most but you have failed, Stan. You can’t even convince yourself of your own lie."

"Please, Jean. Stop it."

"Now you stop it. Stop pretending to love me and stop existing in my damn life!"

Stan watched helplessly as the girl she loved left her for good. He didn’t understand what had just happened. All he knew was he really loved Jean. But after seeing that she had just threw everything away for reasons beyond his grasp, he was not sure what he really felt for her.

He wasn’t even sure of what love is.

Months passed before everything returned to normal. But for Stan, life won’t be normal again after what happened. Life without love isn’t normal at all. He had completely lost two important people in his life.

He even found out why Chris returned to Jean. Shiela, Chris’ girlfriend, dumped him for no apparent reason, identical to what Chris did to Jean. But that was irrelevant for him. He had already lost her.

After falsely accepting that it was his fault why she left, Stan was convinced that he’d have to continue his life without loving Jean or anyone else.

Love is futile indeed.

* * * * *

Stan stares blankly at the wall of his room as he hears a familiar voice. He was in a state of ambivalence; he wasn’t sure whether to feel joy or fear.

"Hello, you still there," the voice from his mobile phone asked.

"Yes. It’s been ages since I’ve heard from you. ‘Musta na," Stan replied with a question.

"Nothing much. I just wanna congratulate you for passing med school. Saw it somewhere in Friendster."

"Well, thanks."

Time stopped as Stan tried to find the right words to say.

"Jean…"

"Yes?"

"I missed you."

Stan felt the old feeling he had for the girl she was talking on the phone. It was the most surreal feeling of passion he experienced for it had bloomed in the most unusual and unexpected circumstances.

He fell in love with his best friend’s girlfriend.

Everything flashed back in his mind. From the time he and Chris were still best friends, the time when Chris introduced Jean to him as his girlfriend, the time when Chris left Jean for Shiela, the time when he comforted Jean and kissed her in the rain, till the time Jean left her. Then he realized one thing. He can’t save himself from his own tears.

After all this time, how hard he may had tried to stop himself, he really love Jean. But he also found out in himself that it was too late. His failure to fight for that love had caused him to lose her forever.

All he was able to do was cry painfully as he awaits her response on the receiver of the phone.

On the other end, Jean stares blankly at the person in front of her as she hears a familiar voice. She was in a state of regret; she was sure she did one grave mistake.

She knew all along how Stan and Chris treated girls. She knew all along that Chris never loved her and that he was just another meantime girl in his list. She knew all along that he was cheating on her when they were still together.

Unfortunately she also knew all along how Stan truly loved her for she felt it for herself.

Her own tears started to fall as she realized all these things. Hatred started to control her once again; the same hatred that drove her to this game, the same hatred that allowed her to be as evil as them, and the same hatred that let her give up the love she had dream for.

Now, she didn’t hated Chris or Stan. She only hated herself.

Jean turned off her mobile phone and turned her back to the person in front of her.

"Stop crying," the person in front of her said.

"I’ll cry if I want to," Jean replied.

"Men are all the same, you know that very well."

"It’s over."

"I owe you everything. We’re both vindicated."

"Please leave. I wanna be alone."

"Okay. Thanks for everything, Sis."

Shiela left Jean, her sister as Jean drowns herself in tears for a guy whom Shiela believed doesn’t deserve any affection. As she walks away from her, she took her mirror from her bag and looked at herself. Gorgeous eyes. Delicious lips. Round and firm breasts and ass. Slim figure. Just like those beautiful Japanese and Korean actresses in telenovelas. Then she tried to smile as one tear escaped from her eyes. She may look even more beautiful than before outside. But inside, the pain she’d kept had consumed her real beauty.

She doesn’t understand what Jean feels for Stan for she only understood one thing.

She was Stan’s first fair game. And she had just returned the favor.

-30-